Hope 10th February 2006

I suffered the loss of Hope & Angel to early miscarriage nearly 13 years ago, to this date(24th October 2018) I find it hard to fully express my grief to others, although I’ll always do everything I can to lift the taboo around miscarriage that still remains I just feel guilty speaking about my own feelings when others need me so much more!

I will just write the basics and build from there 🩷🩵💚💜

With my first miscarriage I was bleeding very heavily and went to the hospital to have an ultrasound scan which confirmed my womb was empty. That along with the echoing and haunting words of the sonographer who, casually throwing back her head and looking at my youngest son (still a baby at the time) curtly asked “you are not upset are you?” meant I left confused and sobbing, not knowing what to expect. I named my baby Hope and she is loved and missed daily. In my confusion I believed that a miscarriage was just blood.

Angel 9th May 2006

When my second miscarriage begun I did not want to be treated badly by medical staff after my previous traumatic experience, so I did not go to hospital. I passed some blood and clots at home. I named my baby Angel and he is equally loved and missed. I thought silent inwards grief was just how things were!

Little Baby 19th September 2011

Then along came Little Baby in September 2011.

Although I was very late for my mensural cycle I did not know I was pregnant until I was crippled with pain, went too the loo and felt something large pass which I caught in some tissue. I almost fainted when I saw the most beautiful and perfectly formed tiny baby who, guessing from information on the internet, was around 8 weeks in gestation. Although I was faced with a visual sight of my baby’s body I still took a pregnancy test which showed as positive. Then the reality kicked in. I couldn’t flush this baby away but wanted to give him dignity. I instinctively put him into water as I noticed his tiny fragile body sticking to the tissue paper, and somehow knew that the water would protect him! I found a teal coloured jewellery box, which had a velvet pouch inside, and poured the water containing Little Baby through the pouch knowing it would sadly filter out the water but keep him safe inside. I placed the pouch into the box alongside a silver bead which she had 3 of….one was for baby, one was for me and one was for Little Baby’s Dad. I then buried the teal box in a plant pot with Spring/Summer flowering bulbs on top as that is when the due date would have been.

Surprisingly although I grieved, my mental health didn’t suffer this time because I knew my baby had been shown love, respect and DIGNITY which allowed me some closure. It was important to say goodbye.

Tiny Star Mystery 29th July 2015

My Untold Story Of Uncertainty!

I’m agonising over if I should be even telling it….I may end up deleting later!

29th July 2015

Very few people know this, because I’m unsure myself! I’d been late on my period, but hadn’t paid it too much thought, considering the heartache I’d been through during March I’d put it down to stress.

I’d started bleeding in the morning thinking it was my period but all day I had been in a lot of pain and very heavy flow.

I was with my clairvoyant friend during the afternoon when I felt an awful cramp and felt something large pass onto my pad so went to the bathroom to check and was shocked to see a very large clot unlike a “normal” clot you might expect whilst on your cycle.

As I deal with women miscarrying each day and know what an early miscarriage looks like I was immediately suspicious, so I rinsed excess blood away and put in a glass of water and shone your hair light through for a better look and my heart couldn’t deny it looked like a loss. I showed my friend who said both instinctively and through clairvoyancy she felt it was a loss, I knew I should go buy a pregnancy test to catch left over HGC hormones to confirm but I knew that to acknowledge this little one meant that I would grieve, and grieving at that time in my life fresh from the loss of a parent I knew was not going to be the right thing for my head space!

I took a few photos and a video, something I wish I’d done with my previous losses!

Then I made an angel wrap from tissue paper, tucked the “baby” in safe and kissed it.

Then without even thinking I plopped it in the loo and I flushed!!!

If it was just a large clot, then absolutely no harm done, but if this “was” in fact a baby that I’d lost, in my mind they had some form of dignity with the home made wrap, and in my mind this was a “Merbaby”, a mermaid baby destined to swim with fins instead of fly the clouds and I was ok with that!

I nicknamed this “baby” Tiny Star who I feel is a girl 💜…..

The next day I told 2 friends, my husband knew the day before.

Recently I told a friend within another charity, I wrote their name down in a special place, and last night told 1 more person.

Those are the only people until now who know!

I’ve felt embarrassed to say I feel sadness because I never knew officially! In my heart I know I lost a baby that day, but my head says “don’t tell anyone because they will think you are mad!”

I’m too afraid to fully acknowledge Tiny Star Mystery, but wracked with guilt if I don’t, it’s always an internal battle in my head!